8-13-2023
I know i havent updated this site in while. i dont feel like explaining myself this time. today, i want to talk about depression.
A pill i had to swallow when i first began my recovery was the fact that i had chronic depression, meaning that i will always have this illness, and there is no real cure for it. i would have to accept the fact that i will always struggle with feeling happy, that no matter how much work i put into myself or how many meds i try, that depression would always be there. i think if i did not want to recover at the time i realized this, my suicidal ideation would only have gotten worse. but i was so desperate for something to change, that i just sat quietly and listened to my therapist. this truth is still hard for me to deal with. the only thing i can do is find meds that help a little, and work on changing my thoughts and mindset.
i dont understand how to communicate the lowest points of depression to people who have not experienced it. depression has always been a part of me. ive dealt with it for as long as i can remember, but the trouble is explaining the low low point i had gotten to at 17 years old. it felt like i had been stripped down and gutted into a form with no purpose or meaning. i did not have any deeper interpersonal relationships besides with one person, but we were stuck in a cycle of codependency and trauma. i dont want anyone to even try to imagine what it felt like to be me at 17 years old. i mean, by the time i was 14, i already was experiencing many ups and downs, and very low lows. but what happens when it doesnt get treated? what happens when you continue on as normal? the more amount of time you spend depressed, the worse it becomes. my ultimate low point for me one year would seem insignificant to the deep deep low point that i would experience the next. every experience chips away at you until the only emotions you seem to experience are depression, anxiety, and nothingness.
the fact that i did not get any help for an extremely long time was the variable that contributed to the last deepest and darkest episode i have ever experienced. i was feeling the most terrible i had ever felt for a few hours, which turned into days and eventually a full week. when i closed my eyes to imagine what was in store for me the next day, i saw absolutely nothing. i wished at that point in time that i could communicated to my body that it did not need to wake up the next day. i was too scared to actually physically do anything to myself. it amazed me how the amount of emotional pain i was experiencing did not kill me on its own.
one day that week, i woke up again. i realized suddenly, that i truly had nothing left of me. i did not have a personality, because i only ever felt empty. i did not make any effort to form any new relationships or continue the ones i did have. it wasnt a huge epiphany on its own, but i realized that if i had nothing, that i had absolutely nothing left of myself to lose- it was then i was certain i needed to make a choice. if i were to stay alive, i could not just keep going. if i was not going to attempt to take my life, i needed to know what the next day would look like. that is when i voluntarily admitted myself to a mental hospital.
if you are reading this, it means that i did actually end up posting this to my website. i know that no matter how many people read this, there probably isnt anyone who really has felt the exact same way that i felt. if you are reading this, you can name the things you have. you have friends, or family, or pets that may mean a lot to you. you might have a project that you are working on, or you are working on graduating school, or spending all of your time dedicated to a hobby. or maybe you feel that every moment you spend is wasted doing nothing. you dont spend it writing, sewing, drawing, playing games, texting, building, working, eating, showering, studying, or spending quality time with anyone. maybe you are stuck in a cycle of thoughts that prevent you from getting out of bed for even an hour or two, and you spend all of your time doing nothing that actually enriches your mind in any way. i think that in that case, you probably did feel like i did at 17 years old.
the philosophy i realized in that moment almost 3 years ago was that when you hit rock bottom, the only way to go is up. when you have nothing, you have nothing to lose, and therefore everything to gain. its not easy to be grateful for the things you do have. when i had that epiphany, i was about to graduate high school. i had gotten accepted into my first choice college with several merit scholarships, i was about to display a portfolio of my best artworks in a gallery- all of these things i had worked so hard for, and yet i felt that i had absolutely nothing. it wasn't that i didn't care, rather, i think i knew that i had no mental capacity left to really appreciate these things, so i did not see any point in going on.
im not sure what my original point in writing this was. but maybe it can help you to read this and think about what i've written.
currently, i am okay. i feel like i actually have quite a few things that i want to keep going for. im about to start my junior year of college. i have a best friend, a partner, and a good friend who lives with me. my favorite hobby is bug hunting. i could talk about it for hours. i run a club at my school. im finally going to try to start taking testosterone soon. im broke as fuck all the time, but this year, im broke broke... but i have my reasons to keep going.
