simpler times
April 27th, 2025
"I don't know why I yearn for harder times. Are harder times still simpler if I was younger? Does having the ability to understand things on a more complex level make times better or worse? Things were simpler when I was a kid - or were they? Things were complicated when I didn't even have the ability to understand it in that way."
- a section of my journal entry from april 20th, 2025
i never understand people saying that they miss their childhood, that things were so much simpler back then. i never understand people getting nostalgic for their teen years, feeling that they peaked in happiness in highschool. i never understand when people say that things went downhill in their adult years. it's gotta be some form of privilege if you had a "simple" childhood, right?
i never understand those people because my adult years so far have felt like im peaking in terms of happiness. i'm no longer in an abusive household, i'm going on 4 years of therapy coming up the end of this month, i am finally awarded the autonomy to change my body as i please, and most of all, i no longer wanna kill myself! at least compared to the rest of my life, adulthood has fucking rocked. i love living not living with my parents. i love being in charge of my time and deciding what i wanna do at any given moment. i love that i get take testosterone every week. i love being independent. i don't have to answer to anyone but myself.
things aren't perfect obviously. i could be doing better. my depression and anxiety isn't completely eradicated. having to take care of all my own bills, doctor's appointments and meals is annoying at best and scary at worst. but im doing a good job taking care of myself.
sometimes, just sometimes, i find myself wanting to be a kid again. i wanna be 16 again. i don't know why. that was literally one of the worst years of my life. it was when covid began, and the isolation really exacerbated all of my depressive symptoms by 11. then when i was 17, i had an incredibly intense suicidal episode that lasted days on end. it was the worst week of my life. i ended up being hospitalized for it. so WHY do i wish i was 17 again? do i wish i could go back in time with the knowledge that i have now and try to do it all over again but differently? maybe those times truly were simpler, at least in my mind.
something i realized in the middle of writing this is that my anniversary is coming up - my anniversary for when i was hospitalized for that suicidal episode i mentioned. so many things have just been converging together in time recently. not only the anniversary is happening, but i'll also be graduating college soon. i'll also be seeing my dad around that time, which i'm very nervous about. i won't get too into it, but i haven't talked to him in over a year. so many things are happening.
things are definitely better since becoming an adult. but i have a secret: i'm deathly afraid of things getting worse again. because what if they do? most of my life has been spent in despair and turmoil. happiness feels like a truly fleeting emotion in my life. it's like my normal state of being is depression and anxiety, and true happiness is but a special treat that i get to experience sometimes.
i know what my problem is. why can't it go away now?