5-28-2023

hi! long time no see...

haven't been up to much since getting back home. just resting a lot. i have been getting back into working on this site and im very excited for all that i have planned. one of the main things i wanna do is add my art. i hadn't done anything about it for a while because i honestly wasnt sure how i was going to format the pages. i think im just gonna go with a chaos approach... just put some shit up there i guess.

even more exciting, i did some debugging on the feywalk, and i've come to a decision about where i want to go with it. im not sure how sustainable it would be to code all of it in html, so i downloaded godot engine and began reading up on it.

i haven't done anything- yet. i have several classmates who worked on godot last semester and i think i'd like to give it a try. i'm not gonna charge anything for the final product, still... and i'm not giving myself a deadline either. i was reading ConcernedApe's blog about his new game that im really excited about! and i agree with him, that not having a deadline would keep this project a passion project. i want working on this to be something i can enjoy fully.

anyways... check out these relics of the past:

i feel like these represent our weird fucking culture of seeing child celebrities, and treating them terribly- just like what they did to brittney spears. at the youngest, miley was 14 fucking years old when she came into the limelight. celebrity media is so weird... i feel like i've seen a video about this that explains exactly what i'm thinking, but i can't find it right now, so instead check out this youtuber that talks about feminist issues using popular media.

4-30-2023

hai. i just moved out of my dorm and im back home with my mom.

funny story... one of my roommates decided dat on da very last day that we had to be there to act totally normal, and not at all like a weirdo which was very very cool. they turned on the tv and blasted music so that you could hear it on the entire floor of the building, because that is what normal people do. and also put the lights on strobe because that is also a normal thing to do when you live with someone who is photosensitive and could have medical issues triggered by strobing lights.

as far as i know, all of this was done on purpose to upset me and my friend because apparently we ruined this person's entire year, even though they opted to never talk to us about any problem they were having with us ever. it's a little frustrating bc i made it pretty clear that i would be happy with adjusting or changing things to make others comfortable bc i just don't really want to make other people uncomfortable. but at the same time it's not really my fault, is it? i have an anxiety disorder and a decade of experience under my belt of having to walk on eggshells out of fear of unknowingly doing something that could get me screamed at. i made a promise to never let myself live in that kind of situation again. so i told everyone very clearly that if no one communicates with me directly about something that is bothering them, im assuming that everything's okay. because when you try to prevent making other people upset or uncomfortable and predict how others are feeling, that's called anxiety!

im fine, btw. i kept my promise. its pretty freeing realizing that you can set your own boundaries, and if they are stepped over... it's not really your fault! the only reason i know that this person was ever upset with me is having to hear through other people who were being emotionally drained from their innappropriate yelling and screaming about me, while i wasn't home. i did my best to adjust. but after that, it's not my fault that they still weren't happy with me.

yeah, rn im just like wtf was that xD its a really stupid situation and now that im out i'm happy to laugh at it and be over with it for good. anyways, here's some pictures i took at the zoo a few weeks ago. the film i was using got messed up, but i think the results are interesting.

3-22-2023

white grubs are the larvae of scarab beetles.

i found this guy on the trail next to the beach. i was very lucky to have met him.

2-19-2023

silly contemplation

4-25-2023

hello there. recently.. ive been stressed :,D.

it's a combination of the end of the semester(finals...) and also i gotta move out in... 3 DAYS!! this is so fucking unfairr :(. my brain has a long history of doing mental backflips to come to the conclusion that everything is terrible, everything will always be terrible, and that i should explode at once! thankfully, i'm not like that anymore. i feel like a completely different person. healing from anxiety and depression and whatever else i have is a long, gradual process. when i first started going to therapy, the idea that i would have to live with these disorders for the rest of my life was terrifying and it didn't give me any hope. i felt that with the severity of my symptoms, that i would not be able to keep going at some point. and with how bad things were, i look back and think about how right i was,, BUT the thing is my symptoms aren't so bad anymore, and they're manageable. i think if my symptoms were still as bad as they used to be, i wouldnt be in college, this website wouldn't exist, i would have stopped making art a while ago. or, my art would have never changed from my art in highschool.

anyways.. my stress has been inducing really painful memories, accompanied by bad scenarios of talking to people that i've cut off because they are walking triggers for me. when i work on my art, it's not a 'turn my brain off' time where i can just relax anymore. it's become painful and causes anxiety. i can't exactly stop since i'm in school and i have finals due. but at the very least, i can rest soon.

i kindof just wanted to talk about that because i havent told anyone about what i've been feeling(anxiety causes me to isolate). since 2 years ago, my symptoms are easier to deal with. i still feel anxiety on the same level though. while i don't feel crippling anxiety at every living moment, the times that my anxiety is triggered are hard to deal with. but i can deal with them. i know that breathing techniques don't really help and sometimes they cause panic attacks. i know drinking water helps me slow down, and the water helps cycle out the caffiene and sugar in my blood so that my heart stops pumping so fast. i know that with the healing i have done, it's much easier to let myself think of happy things to look forward to. i will be living with my partner this summer. we'll be in an apartment with their best friend, i'll be in a new city, and we'll get to explore and experience new things together, after being long distance for almost 3 years. i have friends that enjoy texting and calling me. and i have new ideas for art i'd like to explore.

what i'm trying to say is i know that i'll be okay. things are easier, i know myself. eventually, the anxiety in my stomach making me nauseas will subside after change.